A thing that went through my mind today -- and it has nothing to do with the ongoing coup:
Adulting is high.
It was a moment of self-doubt.
I thought: what if I never recover my mojo because grief has stamped it all out? What if no one wants me anymore because I spent the whole fucking year dealing with dad's literal and figurative shit?
It was petty.
But it's what I felt.
Sigh.
My Heauxtation was awesome, gotdammit.
And to be clear, while I'm not here for Twue Blave, I'm not here for fly by night shenanigans.
Aren't we too old for that?
I don't have the libidinal elasticity for that, anymore.
I need familiarity and reliability these days.
having a bum hip/sciatica while doing your dog daycare thing sucks.
i was walking so slowly it took us twice as long. and i second guessed myself the whole way, making transportation decisions that deliberately made it harder on me.
whyyyyy do i do this? i hate this toxic trait i have of choosing the harder road.
-- oof, Benson. that fart. jesus. I'm dead.
Rather than pick Benson up, I really need him to sprout wings and fly home tomorrow morning.
This week was such a compost heap of frustration and adulting, I'm going to buy new underwear.
I did an audit of my lingerie chest and my entire underwear drawer has stuff in it 10+ yrs old.
No one should hold on to underwear for 10 years.
That's an adulting tip from me to you.
Whaddya know.
#NetflixAndChill still works.
Brunch shall replenish my energy!!
and now: #NYE hot tub!!
Gratitude to all the bus drivers who absolutely positively know that Benson is, indeed, my pet.
And they still give us a ride.
You're angels.
Alicia the Fancy Trainer told me Benson has a few needs:
Affection
Exercise
Dog Brain Stimulation
We begin every morning with Affection. I sit in my slipper chair and Benson trots over and I give him a nice body rub and scritches while he whips his tail back/forth.
Then we go for a nice long sniffari walk.
I've been lagging on the Dog Brain Enrichment thing and he started to display some leash biting and teething some non-dog items today. So, after the long walk, we played tug of war, I wrapped some treats in a knotted bandana and after about an hour of this puzzle, he's down for his morning nap.
We'll do some refresher obedience drills later today.
This Dog Mama stuff is exhausting.
I took Benson for a walk, and he was so frolicsome! Running, jumping, cavorting!
At first, I tried to contain that energy but, you know what? Dogs have a right to feel joy! I felt bad for tugging on his leash and apologized. And he just kept tugging, running, and cavorting. Big Schmoopie face.
But almost knocking over Mommy's wine at the bistro? That's too far.
Some weeks just wring you dry.
Especially when you're solo.
There was a LOT of work adulting going on this week: on ramping a new team member, board meeting, going live with a new system (and alllll the troubleshooting that entails), management team meeting.
And it has wiped me OUT.
I'm def going to take a few days off in the coming weeks.
Already planning my annual Nervous Breakdown Week in LA next month. Me+hotel pool+sleep+tacos.
I need to recharge.
This weekend, no Joyfriends.
Just me.
Oh.
And Benson.
I have a dinner date in exactly 13 minutes.
I need a goblet of wine.
While I am committed to my Benson, who always makes me smile when he relaxes on the train, rests between my legs, and leans his very heavy pit bull weight against me, panting happily, I also look forward to ONE day when these 2 day/week daycare commutes won't take a dang 2 hours each way because I'm a stubbornly independent woman on public transit.
CA driver's license, here I come.
Me [to my accountant] : Um...
Him: I already filed the extension.
He really gets me.
This is the sweet face of the BAD boi who got TWO timeouts for being snappy with other dogs at daycare today.
ALSO the dog who RIPPED Nestor the Lyft driver's backseat cover costing me all the cash I had on me to give the poor guy.
AND the animal who SPRAYED liquid 
all over the flora and fauna of West Oakland and Rockridge.
First, this animal is getting a muzzle for group settings and car travel (don't come at me -- this is CA and there are hella dog owner liability laws in this state) and, second, I'm scheduling another horrendously expensive session with Alicia the Fancy Dog Trainer.
Effing dog and his bullshit prior socialization (i.e, none) and prey instinct...
On the upside he was lovely again on the BART and the BART dude said I had a 'John Wick dog.'
Thanks to Benson and his separation anxiety/codependence/whatever, I have a ready excuse to decline invitations to improv comedy fundraisers.
#BensonUpdate
#LadyBachelorWithADog
#LadyBachelorIsTIREDT
#FedIntrovert
Proposal: Friday as a Date Night needs to stop.
Because of all the jankery (both personal and societal) Friday is for deep self care, not getting dressed up and going to dinner.
I need to wrap myself in a blanket, not SPANX.
4 miles.
This is what Benson needs to be gently wiped out by the end of the day.
Ironically, this also wipes me out by the end of the day.
