LC Barr-Weber<a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/APhotoADay?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#APhotoADay</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/PhotoJournal?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#PhotoJournal</a>
<a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/TriggerWarning?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#TriggerWarning</a> for weight, mention of PTSD, suicidal thoughts.
A cheap pedometer. Count already reset for tomorrow. I bought it years ago, then promptly quit using it for the same reason I've petered out of many exercise attempts. The chronic fatigue that has inexplicably plagued me for more than ten years.
My mental health went to shit around 2009 after hinting for several years that things weren't ok. My physical health followed. I was just as unstable financially, either unable to afford doctors or frustrated because they never found anything anyway.
It became clear that the diagnosis would only ever be "female, overweight, and mentally ill." I'd been thin before, and it shouldn't have mattered!
Weight is a descriptor, not a statement on character or fortitude. I'm still fucking here. I haven't been actively suicidal since 2012, a testament to resilience I'm SO tired of bearing.
And FINALLY, as 2024 draws to its end, I've found - independently of the doctors I gave up on - a combination of vitamins, supplements, and tDCS that has given me back a degree of normalcy that's already been more dramatic and longer lasting than anything before. I had bursts of "ok" where I'd try to catch up on everything I couldn't do and then poof, back to the choice between showering and eating because I couldn't do both.
My body fell into cardiovascular and muscular weakness because I COULDN'T exercise. I'd be a mess for days. But now? It's been almost a month of "Oh my God, is this what normal feels like?" Not weeping with exhaustion over a Wednesday lunch or falling asleep before dinner?
2 years ago, I was so consistently exhausted that I needed a nap cot in my office. I had to leave my job. The company was too small for FMLA. Bedbound for four months. So things like having energy on a Friday, or using my pedometer and watching the daily number go up, up...
How can I make you understand that you must never take these little things for granted?