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#GenderExpression

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Erik L. Midtsveen🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈<p>I’m totally here for <a href="https://social.linux.pizza/tags/Femboys4Tomboys" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Femboys4Tomboys</span></a>! 💖✨</p><p>Imagine if July 20 was the day we all celebrate <a href="https://social.linux.pizza/tags/Femboys4Tomboys" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Femboys4Tomboys</span></a> around the world, how amazing would that be? Let’s make it happen!</p><p>Boost this post, with all your good vibes, and let’s spread the love for all the Femboys, and Tomboys, everywhere! 💫🏳️‍🌈</p><p><a href="https://social.linux.pizza/tags/Femboy" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Femboy</span></a> <a href="https://social.linux.pizza/tags/Tomboy" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Tomboy</span></a> <a href="https://social.linux.pizza/tags/Femboys" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Femboys</span></a> <a href="https://social.linux.pizza/tags/Tomboys" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Tomboys</span></a> <a href="https://social.linux.pizza/tags/LGBTQIA" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>LGBTQIA</span></a> <a href="https://social.linux.pizza/tags/LGBTQ" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>LGBTQ</span></a> <a href="https://social.linux.pizza/tags/LGBT" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>LGBT</span></a> <a href="https://social.linux.pizza/tags/LoveIsLove" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>LoveIsLove</span></a> <a href="https://social.linux.pizza/tags/Trans" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Trans</span></a> <a href="https://social.linux.pizza/tags/GenderExpression" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>GenderExpression</span></a> <a href="https://social.linux.pizza/tags/Nonbinary" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Nonbinary</span></a> <a href="https://social.linux.pizza/tags/GenderFluid" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>GenderFluid</span></a> <a href="https://social.linux.pizza/tags/Queer" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Queer</span></a> <a href="https://social.linux.pizza/tags/TransRights" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>TransRights</span></a> <a href="https://social.linux.pizza/tags/Neurodiversity" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Neurodiversity</span></a> <a href="https://social.linux.pizza/tags/ActuallyAutistic" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>ActuallyAutistic</span></a> <a href="https://social.linux.pizza/tags/Pride" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Pride</span></a></p>
I Am Violet<p><strong>How does HRT affect&nbsp;you?</strong></p><p>Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) has various physical and emotional effects. Unfortunately, the information online doesn’t always give a clear picture of what to expect, for two reasons:&nbsp;</p><ul><li>The research on medical transition is still limited.</li><li>Everyone’s experience is different!</li></ul><p>Even though every trans person has a somewhat different HRT journey, there are some common effects. This is my experience.</p><p>Watch my latest YouTube video for an overview, and read below for more detail. </p><p><a href="https://youtu.be/FhwuCfMSxNU" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">https://youtu.be/FhwuCfMSxNU</a></p><p><strong>Nights aren’t so hard anymore</strong></p><p>As your testosterone levels plummet, one of the first things that stop is spontaneous nighttime erections. For me, this started happening (well, stopped happening) within the first couple of weeks.&nbsp;</p><p>If you experience bottom dysphoria, and are planning to get rid of that part, this isn’t so bad. But if you’re planning to keep it, this means you have to exercise that part regularly. The suggested schedule is at least three times a week for at least ten minutes each time. If you don’t raise the flag regularly, scar tissue will develop. When too much scar tissue builds up, Mr. Happy is gone for good.&nbsp;</p><p>I went through a difficult time in this regard in my first six months due to the emotional changes I talk about below, but eventually I reached a point where it became easy again.&nbsp;</p><p><strong>Soft as a trans girl’s bottom</strong></p><p>The most significant early effect was that my skin started to feel softer. I expected this to happen because it’s a well-documented effect. But I had pretty good skin for my age before I started HRT, so I wasn’t ready for how dramatic this effect would be. I couldn’t stop touching the side of my neck!</p><p>After starting in certain areas, the effect spreads across all of your skin. You have to be a little more careful if you tend to bump into things, but this change is very easy to get used to.&nbsp;</p><p><strong>The roller coaster</strong></p><p>The emotional changes I felt within the first couple of months were a little more challenging. My emotional highs were higher, and the lows were lower. But I was significantly depressed before starting HRT, so the lows weren’t much different from my old baseline.&nbsp;</p><p>And I could deal with the emotions much more easily, despite their greater range. In my old life, when I got upset, my emotions would get the better of me. I would shout and hit things. But now, even though I feel stronger highs and lows, I can maintain my composure and let everything out when it’s safe to do so.&nbsp;</p><p><strong>The itty bitty committee</strong></p><p>Ater a couple of months, I noticed the first hints of breast development. I didn’t notice a change in size right away, but they started hurting—and they basically haven’t stopped. It’s a good thing my ability to deal with pain has increased considerably. Even so, I usually wear a lined bra in case I bump into something.&nbsp;</p><p>After a year, I was approaching a reasonable 36 B. Now I comfortably fill that size. In a push-up bra, I have real cleavage! And I’ll probably keep growing for a while. Officially, breast development is supposed to peak in 2-3 years, but according to unofficial surveys, they keep growing long after that.&nbsp;</p><p><strong>Hair today…more tomorrow!</strong></p><p>When you start feminizing HRT, your doctor will tell you that you can expect hair loss to stop, but don’t expect any re-growth. However, almost every trans woman I’ve talked to confirms that their hair does grow back. If you started out thin with a bald spot (like I did), you’re not going to look like Selena Gomez, but old, dormant follicles may reactivate. My thin patch is filling in, although the progress is painfully slow.&nbsp;</p><p>Fo over a year, I would not get my hair cut because I spent far too many years with very short hair. But last month, I got my first feminine haircut, and it feels a lot fuller than it did before. Keep your split ends trimmed and use a sulfate-free shampoo.&nbsp;</p><p><strong>Hard curves ahead</strong></p><p>I’ve bucked one trend so far. For the most part, reducing your testosterone level makes it more difficult to maintain muscle mass. I’ve always been lucky. In my old life, I maintained pretty decent strength with very little exercise. After a year and a half on hormones, I haven’t really lost anything. And I’ve just started a job that’s somewhat physically demanding, so I expect my hard curves to stick around.&nbsp;</p><p><strong>Facing my true self</strong></p><p>I forgot to include this section in the video! My face has changed considerably over the last year and a half. My features are softer. My eyes look more open. My cheekbones stand out more. And my lips are starting to get a bit fuller. This started early on, and it’s been continuing pretty steadily. In a couple more years, I don’t think there will be anything masculine left in my face.&nbsp;</p><p><strong>What has your experience been like?</strong></p><p>If you’re trans, or you’ve been on hormone therapy for another reason, please share your experience in the comments, either here or on YouTube.</p><p><a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/biology/" target="_blank">#biology</a> <a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/dysphoria/" target="_blank">#dysphoria</a> <a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/gender-expression/" target="_blank">#GenderExpression</a> <a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/identity/" target="_blank">#identity</a> <a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/trans/" target="_blank">#trans</a> <a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/transjoy/" target="_blank">#TransJoy</a></p>
Alexander Westerman<p>The Aesthetic Revolution: Liquid Sky's Influence on 80s Culture <a href="https://alexwesterman.com/visual-arts/movies/the-aesthetic-revolution-liquid-skys-influence-on-80s-culture/" rel="nofollow noopener" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">alexwesterman.com/visual-arts/</span><span class="invisible">movies/the-aesthetic-revolution-liquid-skys-influence-on-80s-culture/</span></a> <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/LiquidSky" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>LiquidSky</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/80sCultClassic" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>80sCultClassic</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/SlavaTsukerman" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>SlavaTsukerman</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/AnneCarlisle" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>AnneCarlisle</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/NewWaveCinema" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>NewWaveCinema</span></a>,<a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/CultFilm" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>CultFilm</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/ArtFilm" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>ArtFilm</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/UndergroundFilm" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>UndergroundFilm</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/80sAesthetics" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>80sAesthetics</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/80sCulture" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>80sCulture</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/80sFashion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>80sFashion</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/NewWaveFashion" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>NewWaveFashion</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/PostPunk" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>PostPunk</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/80sNewYork" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>80sNewYork</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/DowntownNYC" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>DowntownNYC</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/ClubCulture" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>ClubCulture</span></a>,<a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/VisualInfluence" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>VisualInfluence</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/FashionHistory" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>FashionHistory</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/Alienation" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Alienation</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/UrbanDecay" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>UrbanDecay</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/GenderExpression" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>GenderExpression</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/PerformanceArt" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>PerformanceArt</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/AestheticRevolution" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>AestheticRevolution</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/FilmHistory" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>FilmHistory</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/CulturalStudies" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>CulturalStudies</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/FashionInFilm" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>FashionInFilm</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/MovieInfluence" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>MovieInfluence</span></a></p>
Prism & Pen<p>Cis women have been duped into infighting with our trans and GNC sisters. By policing each other’s gender expression, we’re doing men’s dirty work for them.<br><a href="https://medium.com/prismnpen/the-patriarchy-has-a-secret-weapon-women-4d386a6e75c1" rel="nofollow noopener" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">medium.com/prismnpen/the-patri</span><span class="invisible">archy-has-a-secret-weapon-women-4d386a6e75c1</span></a></p><p><a href="https://stranger.social/tags/LGBTQ" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>LGBTQ</span></a> <a href="https://stranger.social/tags/Gender" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Gender</span></a> <a href="https://stranger.social/tags/GenderExpression" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>GenderExpression</span></a> <a href="https://stranger.social/tags/GenderEssentialism" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>GenderEssentialism</span></a> <a href="https://stranger.social/tags/Feminism" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Feminism</span></a> <a href="https://stranger.social/tags/Patriarchy" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Patriarchy</span></a></p>
Global News Winnipeg<p>Manitoba Tories say bill to protect gender expression could infringe on free speech<br>Manitoba's Opposition leader says he is hoping for changes to a bill that would add gender expression to the province's human rights code.<br><a href="https://mastodon.hongkongers.net/tags/politics" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>politics</span></a> <a href="https://mastodon.hongkongers.net/tags/humanrights" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>humanrights</span></a> <a href="https://mastodon.hongkongers.net/tags/law" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>law</span></a> <a href="https://mastodon.hongkongers.net/tags/Manitoba" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Manitoba</span></a> <a href="https://mastodon.hongkongers.net/tags/GenderExpression" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>GenderExpression</span></a> <br><a href="https://globalnews.ca/news/11167452/manitoba-tories-say-bill-to-protect-gender-expression-could-infringe-on-free-speech/" rel="nofollow noopener" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">globalnews.ca/news/11167452/ma</span><span class="invisible">nitoba-tories-say-bill-to-protect-gender-expression-could-infringe-on-free-speech/</span></a></p>
Stuff I foundA brief explanation of <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/gender?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#gender</a><br> <br> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/lgbtqia?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#lgbtqia</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/lesbian?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#lesbian</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/gay?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#gay</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/bisexual?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#bisexual</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/transgender?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#transgender</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/queer?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#queer</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/intersex?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#intersex</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/asexual?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#asexual</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/agender?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#agender</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/genderqueer?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#genderqueer</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/genderfluid?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#genderfluid</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/nonbinary?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#nonbinary</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/genderbender?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#genderbender</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/genderidentity?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#genderidentity</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/genderexpression?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#genderexpression</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/identity?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#identity</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/explainer?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#explainer</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/pride?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#pride</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/prideisaprotest?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#prideisaprotest</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/activism?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#activism</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/feminism?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#feminism</a> <a href="https://pixelfed.social/discover/tags/anarchism?src=hash" class="u-url hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#anarchism</a><br> <br> Credit: <a class="u-url mention" href="https://pixelfed.social/we_are_very_gay" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">@we_are_very_gay</a>
I Am Violet<p><strong>Shopping…in “boy mode”</strong></p><p>I went shopping today. In the last year, I’ve rarely gone outside my house without a wig, makeup, and gender affirming clothes. But lately I’ve been getting in touch with my nonbinary nature, and I’m more conscious of how important it is for people to see that I’m the same person no matter what I’m wearing. </p><p>For the trans people watching this: How comfortable are you being out in public in various “modes”?</p><p><a href="https://youtu.be/ya_IliqF8CY" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">https://youtu.be/ya_IliqF8CY</a></p><p><a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/dysphoria/" target="_blank">#dysphoria</a> <a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/gender-expression/" target="_blank">#GenderExpression</a> <a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/identity/" target="_blank">#identity</a> <a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/trans/" target="_blank">#trans</a> <a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/transjoy/" target="_blank">#TransJoy</a></p>
I Am Violet<p><strong>I Am Violet is on&nbsp;YouTube!</strong></p><p>I’ve reactivated my YouTube channel! For a little while, I had a playlist called <em>How to Be Happy,</em> but I stopped adding new videos to it around January. The two main reasons for my hiatus were an interruption in employment and a certain event outside Canada that gave trans people many reasons not to be happy. </p><p>I’ve been planning a new direction for my channel for some time now, and tonight I finally launched my first new video. My channel is going to be a “Trans 101” information source. There are already a lot of sources of information available online, but my contribution will be a series of brief, simple videos explaining the biology, psychology, and history of being transgender. </p><p>Please like, subscribe, and share this video. Even if you’re not trans or gender diverse, you may gain unexpected insights into your own personality. </p><p>And please ask questions in the comments. That’s why I’m here!</p><p><a href="https://youtu.be/K4T6w-oa6sc" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">https://youtu.be/K4T6w-oa6sc</a></p><p><a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/biology/" target="_blank">#biology</a> <a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/education/" target="_blank">#education</a> <a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/gender-expression/" target="_blank">#GenderExpression</a> <a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/identity/" target="_blank">#identity</a> <a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/trans/" target="_blank">#trans</a> <a rel="nofollow noopener" class="hashtag u-tag u-category" href="https://iamviolet.ca/tag/transjoy/" target="_blank">#TransJoy</a></p>
The Subspace<p>Lief Bound - Het Art</p><p>Lief Bound talks about how Shibari being an originally heterosexual art form can make exploration challenging for those that aren’t cis-het.</p><p><a href="https://youtube.com/shorts/OXR2JWykh8E" rel="nofollow noopener" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="">youtube.com/shorts/OXR2JWykh8E</span><span class="invisible"></span></a></p><p><a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/hugharness" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>hugharness</span></a> <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/genderexpression" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>genderexpression</span></a> <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/nonbinary" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>nonbinary</span></a> <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/trans" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>trans</span></a> <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/BDSM" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>BDSM</span></a> <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/subspace" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>subspace</span></a> <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/fatbodies" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>fatbodies</span></a>&nbsp; <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/kinkcommunity" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>kinkcommunity</span></a> <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/exposureandclosure" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>exposureandclosure</span></a> <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/shibaristudy" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>shibaristudy</span></a> <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/feelingsgame" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>feelingsgame</span></a> <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/folsomstreetfair" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>folsomstreetfair</span></a> <a href="https://mastodon.social/tags/ropespace" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>ropespace</span></a></p><p>@liefbound.bsky.social</p>
naturaldynamics<p>There is a method behind the trans phobic hysteria, it is to generate moral outrage against minorities in order to set up in groups and outgroups, to galvanise the base against minorities of many stripes.<br><a href="https://mastodon.world/tags/transphobia" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>transphobia</span></a>,<a href="https://mastodon.world/tags/gender" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>gender</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.world/tags/genderexpression" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>genderexpression</span></a>,<a href="https://mastodon.world/tags/USpol" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>USpol</span></a>, <a href="https://mastodon.world/tags/orsngemussolini" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>orsngemussolini</span></a>. <br> <a href="https://www.vox.com/2024-elections/380861/trump-transphobic-anti-trans-ads-scapegoating?ueid=x" rel="nofollow noopener" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://www.</span><span class="ellipsis">vox.com/2024-elections/380861/</span><span class="invisible">trump-transphobic-anti-trans-ads-scapegoating?ueid=x</span></a></p>
Susan Larson ♀️🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️🌈<p><a href="https://mastodon.online/tags/CreepoftheWeek" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>CreepoftheWeek</span></a>: <a href="https://mastodon.online/tags/ConvictedFelon" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>ConvictedFelon</span></a> <a href="https://mastodon.online/tags/DonaldTrump" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>DonaldTrump</span></a> </p><p><a href="https://mastodon.online/tags/Republicans" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Republicans</span></a>, however, have nominated themselves to be the <a href="https://mastodon.online/tags/genderpolice" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>genderpolice</span></a>. They are absolutely <a href="https://mastodon.online/tags/obsessed" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>obsessed</span></a> with <a href="https://mastodon.online/tags/gender" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>gender</span></a>. They believe that there are only two <a href="https://mastodon.online/tags/genders" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>genders</span></a>, that there are rigidly-defined <a href="https://mastodon.online/tags/genderroles" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>genderroles</span></a> for <a href="https://mastodon.online/tags/males" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>males</span></a> and <a href="https://mastodon.online/tags/females" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>females</span></a>, and that there is a <a href="https://mastodon.online/tags/masculine" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>masculine</span></a> or <a href="https://mastodon.online/tags/feminine" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>feminine</span></a> <a href="https://mastodon.online/tags/ideal" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>ideal</span></a> when it comes to <a href="https://mastodon.online/tags/genderexpression" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>genderexpression</span></a>. Any <a href="https://mastodon.online/tags/deviation" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>deviation</span></a> is wrong. </p><p><a href="https://epgn.com/2024/10/22/creep-of-the-week-trump-5/" rel="nofollow noopener" translate="no" target="_blank"><span class="invisible">https://</span><span class="ellipsis">epgn.com/2024/10/22/creep-of-t</span><span class="invisible">he-week-trump-5/</span></a></p>

How Does One Feel One’s Gender?

I don’t know what it means to feel “masculine.”

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Ever since I discovered that I’m nonbinary, I’ve been reflecting on what gender is supposed to be, and I’m just ending up confused. Some people talk about feeling “masculine” or “feminine” but I don’t really know what it means, other than acting in accordance with the way that society decides that “men” and “women” should act.

People are born with a certain set of genitals, on the basis of this, society says “male” or “female.” This is already problematic. If you think that the biological sex binary is a given, I invite you to listen to this TED talk:

https://youtu.be/stUl_OapUso?si=DizHKNWPUynGjMZ_

I already knew that the biological basis for the binary is on shaky ground. However, there is nothing like someone speaking from actual lived experience to sharpen your understanding.

I’ve mentioned above that on top of biological sex, society imposes a series of behavioral conventions that define what men and women are. Men should act this way. Women should act that way. This is the gender binary. When a man acts in the way a woman should, it is deemed unnatural. Same when a woman acts in the way a man should.

I used to think that if I declared myself nonbinary, it was from an ideological standpoint more than anything else, but I don’t think this is the case. I’m just puzzled when people talk about feeling their gender, because this is something I don’t experience, or that I experience only faintly.

The gender binary is a complete fabrication from society. It is mere convention. It is not nature itself that compels those we call men to be competitive, or to be the provider in a couple, but society. It used to be that women couldn’t get credit without their husband’s approval. It is not nature that dictated this, but society. This restriction disappeared, not because of any change in nature, but because of changes in how society sees the gender binary.

Thus, it is that when I talk about my nonbinary nature, I talk about behavior. This is only because society itself distinguishes one side of the binary from the other in terms of behavior. It happens from time to time that someone interjects that gender identity is not the same as gender expression. Yes, this is true, but it has no bearing on what I am saying.

Let me make this clear. I’m not the gender police. You absolutely can be a feminine man, or a masculine woman, or any other variation. I won’t get on your case for it, and may even give you romantic love. However, as far as I am concerned, when it comes to evaluating whether I am man, woman, or nonbinary, my behavior is a critical component of the analysis.

So society, just like it has made me think that I was neurotypical by treating me like a neurotypical person, has also made me think that I am a man by treating me like a man. This is where gender dysphoria sets in. Yes, I am well versed in looking the part. Yes, I’ve been encultured in manhood, and, usually, I role-play a man. However, there are some behaviors that are required of me, as a man, that I don’t want to engage in. Hence, the gender dysphoria that occurs when I’m pushed to engage in those behaviors.

Still, I don’t feel the male gender in my life. I don’t feel special enjoyment when I do manly things. The notion of whether an act is manly or not does not figure in my decisions. For instance, my relationship with sports has been quite tepid. I used to watch racing, and that was it, as far as sports were concerned. I don’t anymore. I don’t think I’m missing anything important. I’m not pining after sports. It is not somehow missing from my life as a man.

It is only because society insisted that I am a man, and I believed society, that I thought that I was a man. Since I do not feel my gender, where does this lead me, but to the conclusion that I am in fact nonbinary?

#AutisticWriters #behavior #enby #gender #GenderBinary #GenderDysphoria #GenderExpression #GenderIdentity #nonbinary #SocialConvention #YourAutisticLife

https://www.yourautisticlife.com/2024/07/08/how-does-one-feel-ones-gender/

I’ve been thinking about gender again. Someone happened to include “If you want to be a [gender], you can just be a [gender]” in an article earlier, which planted the seed of tonight’s thoughts. I was also thinking about my wonderfully close friendship with my best friend. A week ago, she confessed that she couldn’t quite think of me as a woman. I immediately responded, “You think of me however you want to think of me.”

So tonight, as these thoughts ran together, I started thinking that I’m a pretty great guy who also happens to be a pretty awesome woman. 

Before the advent of highlighters or enhancing copy-pasted text, the way to call attention to something particularly important in a written work was to write the abbreviation for “nota bene,” a Latin phrase that means “Hey! Pay attention to this!” Of course, margin notes are always abbreviated, so it’s written as NB.

Getting back to the point, tonight I’m paying attention to that margin note in my own personal gender identity textbook. NB. 

In December, I was starting to think of myself as a non-binary trans woman. Then came my Christmas lunch with the production crew at work. Thirty guys–and me. Not another woman in the group. I felt so awkward and out of place, I couldn’t wait to get out of there. When I got home that evening, I stripped the enby symbol from my moniker on Mastodon and deleted my they/them pronouns. There was no way I could think of myself as even partially male if I practically ran away from lunch with the guys because I was squirming so badly.

But even then, I didn’t remove all semblance of masculinity from my identity. I was, for all practical purposes, a man for half a century, even if I didn’t like it. That goes way back. I remember an instance when, after expressing my distaste for my outward appearance, my first wife told me that I was a very good-looking man. I had a conflicted reaction to that compliment. On the one hand, it was confidence boosting to have someone compliment my appearance. On the other hand, I didn’t quite believe her; I thought she was partly just boosting my mood. On the other hand, my strongest mental reaction was to the word “man,” and it was a negative reaction. That really struck me–even more than apparently having three hands. That was about twenty years before I hatched. Yeah, it was a very long river. 

Back to the near-present. I ran away from that manly lunch, and more recently–actually, just tonight–I’ve realized that I’ve been running away from masculinity in general. I hate destructive hypermasculinity. I always have, even when I lived as a man. In a highly blue-collar, male-exclusive group like my crew at work, guys tend to be, well, guys, even if they might be a little less ‘testosterony’ when they’re with the women they know. 

I know other men, of course, and most of them aren’t poster boys for male toxicity. They’re people who do their best to treat everyone the same, and overall, try to be good men. I get along with them just fine in conversation with no awkwardness–although I’m still more animated and effervescent if there are other women in the group.

During my hatching week, I gave my existential uncertainty a persona. I called him Mr. Doubt. I needed him to be there, to express any uncertainty about the road I had just turned onto. This was the most significant life change I had ever embarked on, so if I had any doubts, I could not squash them or evict them from my mind. I had to face them head-on and examine every one of them in detail, just in case I might be wrong about the fundamental shift in my gender identity, which up to that point I had referred to as “pretty much male.” Even before hatching, I was embracing my femininity. I thought of myself as a feminine man who wanted desperately to be accepted as one of the girls–even if I still didn’t like the word “man.”

I know. That wasn’t just a sign. It was an illuminated billboard with flashing blue, pink, and white lights all around it. 

Back to Mr. Doubt. Every question he brought up, every physical attribute he pointed to, every modicum of doubt fell on close examination. He still lives with me, somewhere in the back of my mind. He doesn’t speak up very often, but when he does, I need to pay attention. 

After running, screaming, away from the masculine side of nonbinary, I still didn’t eliminate it from my personality. I thought of myself as semi-genderfluid, justifying it because I would always retain some masculine attributes. I was never cis-normative as a man (ugh, there’s that word again), and I would never be cis-normative as a woman. I would continue to develop my own unique gender identity, along with my own unique brand of sheer hotness. 

Then, two weeks ago, “You think of me however you want to think of me.” I didn’t think about that response. It just came, as naturally as my smile. A week later, my son brought up the fact that he already had two people he called Mom, so having a third might be a little confusing. I told him he could call me whatever he wanted. He still calls me Dad, and I’m perfectly okay with that. I’m even keeping my old name (which I don’t think of as a deadname) as one of my middle names. 

Halfway through my hatching week, way back, six months ago, I told a very awesome person that my interpretation of my version of the last comic in Mae Dean’s hatching series was that both halves of me would merge, creating a perfect balance. It was several days after that when my existential panic resolved with the realization that I don’t have two halves; I’m the same person I’ve always been; I simply know myself better now, and can express myself more authentically. 

Genderfluid. Nonbinary. Trans-feminine. The last term describes me the best, but the other two definitely have their place in my identity. Male or female. Male and female. No. Masculine and feminine–well, in my case, more like FEMININE and (masculine). 

And neutral. There are a lot of aspects of anyone’s personality that don’t have to be gendered. Strength. Integrity. Kindness and compassion. They’re not somewhere in the middle of the spectrum of gender attributes; they’re not related to that dipole at all. 

Damn the binary! I’m more feminine than masculine, but I’m really not a hundred percent man or woman. Well, I’m a lot closer to woman than man, mainly because I want more feminine attributes. Testosterone? I’m happy it’s gone. Estrogen? I want more! As I see my face becoming more feminine, and as others comment on it, I feel a happiness I never knew before my transition started. There are a couple of “pain points” that I can’t stop touching, stimulating more pain, because of what that pain foreshadows. But there’s another point I frequently bring up because I don’t want it going anywhere. 

“If you want to be a [gender], you can just be a [gender].” Or, if you don’t want to be a [gender], you don’t have to be one. 

I’m a chaotic, genderfluid lioness. I spend most of my time near one pole, simply because I love those attributes. But, as I told my best friend several months ago, I got tired of squeezing myself into other people’s boxes, so I decided to make my own. 

I am Violet.

I say that frequently. It’s my username on a number of online spaces, and of course it’s the name of this blog. It’s my identity, more so than any conventional term. My pronouns are she/her. But how I express myself on any given day… Well, you’ll have to wait and find out when I decide!

https://iamviolet.ca/2024/02/19/if-you-want-to-be-or-not-to-be/

I Am Violet · If you want to be…or not to beI’ve been thinking about gender again. Someone happened to include “If you want to be a [gender], you can just be a [gender]” in an article earlier, which planted the seed of tonight’s thoughts. I …

In the six months I’ve been in transition, I’ve had many significant affirmations, from inside and outside. But none can compare to my night at the opera. The opera itself was very good. It wasn’t a traditional performance of Don Giovanni. It was presented in English, without sets, and with a heavily modified, localized libretto including references to Tim Horton’s and various locations in Edmonton. After discovering Il Commendatore motionless on the floor, Don Ottavio pulls out a cell phone to call an ambulance… I wish I could have seen the whole thing. 

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Before I could go to the opera, I had to find something to wear. At that point, I owned several women’s tops and a few ill-fitting bras I had bought online. And my purple boots, of course. I had arranged for my friend Megan, who was taking me to the opera, to take me shopping that morning. It was two hours of alternating anxiety and affirmation. 

Get the mall done

First we went to a shoe store. The salesperson didn’t know if they had many size 10 shoes. They had a pair I loved in size 9½. I tried them on…and they fit perfectly! I couldn’t believe it because the work boots I wear almost constantly are a men’s size 9½. The uppers of the new shoes are stretchy fabric, and I could almost go down another half size. “Well,” Megan said, “Welcome to women’s sizing.”

The next stop was a lingerie shop. I already own a few bras that I ordered online, but none of them fit properly, so Megan took me to La Vie en Rose to be fitted. I was so anxious as I entered the store, wearing jeans and a T-shirt, with no makeup. I thought I looked like a man intruding in a women’s space, as I felt so often before I hatched. One employee led us to the back and handed us over to another for my fitting. She asked me something about specific bra types, or what size I wore. I nervously said, “I’m fifty-four years old and I’ve never been fitted for a bra before.” She nodded and took me into the fitting room. I brought out the pads I’d be wearing, and she sized me at a 38 B or C with the pads, or an A without. 

We went out into the store and looked at bras. I wanted black because I figured that was the most likely color of the formal wear I’d be buying next. We selected three styles, and I took B and C cups of all of them to the fitting room. I was nervous as I tried them on, so much so that I tightened the shoulder straps of the first one when I thought I was loosening them. “Are you doing okay, hon?” asked Megan. I stammered something that told her I wasn’t doing so great. “Do you want me to come in with you?” “Yes,” I replied. This was a very small fitting room, and Megan is a big girl, but it was comforting to have her so close as she helped me adjust the straps and try on each bra. “We’re going with a C,” she said confidently after I tried on the first one. 

None of the first batch fit well. They all squeezed my outer pecs and under my shoulders. I know that’s not completely avoidable, but this felt very uncomfortable, so Megan went to find more options. I stood in the fitting room, feeling exposed even though I was behind a curtain, and I had been out in public with my “boobs” showing many times during my lengthy man phase. Is it indecent exposure if a woman who is very convincingly pretending to be a man shows her boobs in public? 

Megan returned with some more bras. She handed me the first one and said “I think this is the one.” I tried it on and she helped me adjust it. Then I put my pads in. It wasn’t completely comfortable, but it fit. I looked at myself in the mirror. The bra perfectly covered my pads. I didn’t have cleavage because my pecs don’t move that way, but it looked almost like I had breasts. I put my T-shirt on. I thought the bra rode a little high. I’m over fifty; I shouldn’t have perky teen breasts. But Megan said it was perfect for what I’d be wearing. I took it off and put my T-shirt back on over my not-so-curvy chest. 

Could I actually pull this off?

Next we drove to the Laura liquidation center. I was even more anxious as we drove into the parking lot. Would I be able to find anything that looked okay on me? “If you’re too anxious, we can stop whenever you want,” Megan told me. “No,” I said. “We’re doing this.” Nerves or no nerves, I was going to find something. I had a nice black sweater in my backpack, so the worst case was that I’d just have to find a pair of dress pants. 

We chose a couple of dresses and a pantsuit and walked to the fitting rooms. I put on my bra with my pads. The first dress I tried on was a dark purple (of course). I stepped out into the fitting lounge. “I don’t think this one…” I said. Megan chuckled. “I’m sorry, but you look like you’re going to a funeral.” Scratch dress number one. The second dress was no better, so I tried the pantsuit. It wasn’t bad, but when I stepped out to show Megan, she pointed out something that interfered with the line of the suit. Specifically the lower part. I went back into the fitting room and Megan went to find more clothes. I was getting discouraged. It’s going to be some time before one particular obstacle is taken care of, and that would eliminate quite a few outfits.

Megan returned with a whole pile of dresses and one pantsuit. Only one of them was purple. The dress on top of the pile was bright red. “I know these aren’t your color, but I want you to trust my judgment.” I was staring at the red dress as Megan said this. It made me think of the Matrix, of the woman in the red dress who distracts Neo during one of Morpheus’ tests. Could I pull off being the woman in the red dress? I tried it on first. It looked good. Then Megan zipped it up. The fabric moved into its intended position–and it looked gorgeous! I stared at myself, up and down. I moved. There was a slit that exposed my left knee. I spun around. The dress flowed as I moved. “This is number one,” I said. But I was going to try on everything Megan brought. 

I tried on a light purple flowery summer dress. It wouldn’t work with my bra, but it could be an option for another time. “It’s ten bucks,” Megan said. I looked at the price tag. Marked down ninety percent! There was a rip from where the belt had been pulled too hard, but I hadn’t noticed it because the belt covered it perfectly. That dress went onto the “yes” hook. The next dress was a light green that totally did not suit me, but the cut was very nice, which is why Megan wanted me to try it on. Then I tried the pantsuit. The top of this suit flowed into the bottom with two strips of fabric in a diagonal crossing pattern. It hid what it needed to hide. I stepped out to look in the three-way mirror. I looked amazing! The way the top came together, my padded curves looked perfectly natural. “Want me to go get your shoes?” Megan asked. I nodded, then kept looking at myself while she ran back to the car. She returned with my new shoes and a wide deep maroon belt. “Trust me,” she said. I put on the belt and my shoes. I looked fantastic! Wearing this suit, I would own any room I stepped into. But for tonight, I wanted the red dress. 

I bought the pantsuit as well as the two dresses. The total bill came up to $250. Not bad considering the red dress was marked down from $450. There is supposedly a stain on one strap, but I can’t find it. 

I had been planning to find a hat of some kind to hide my balding spot, which estrogen has not magically filled in yet. But after seeing myself in those clothes, I decided I wanted people to see me wearing them, and not see me hiding myself. 

Off to the ball

We went back to Megan’s apartment, ordered dinner, then started doing our makeup. Megan is a makeup artist, and she has given me some bold new looks, but that night I wanted to do my own eyes. I used Megan’s earth tone palette because my usual purple wouldn’t work with that dress. I carefully applied a two-way gradient pattern: very light to somewhat dark coming down from my eyebrows, then not quite as light to darker from the inner corners of my eyes moving outward, with a slightly more subtle gradient below my eyes. A little mascara and my eyes were done. I loved the effect. I asked Megan what she thought. She paused, her eyes widening, before telling me I looked amazing. This was the best compliment I could have received from my makeup teacher. 

My makeup for the opera and the pearls Megan lent me

It was time to get ready. I put on my dress and my shoes. I added a shoulder cloak Megan had previously given me to fend off the chilly wind. Megan asked which of three dresses she should wear. There was really only one choice. Two of the dresses were quite informal, and I needed her to match me, even if her style is a significant contrast. She wore a dark gothic dress with a pair of bright rhinestone platform boots. Getting into Megan’s car gave me a new experience: carefully pulling in all the folds of my dress before closing the door. 

We arrived early; we were one of the first people inside. There was a balloon arch set up for photos. We took a few pictures of each other, and had someone take a pic of both of us. 

The lady in red and the goth chick with the spectacular boots

I look like I’m tensing my arms in this pic, but I was actually feeling quite relaxed by this point. Relaxed isn’t the right term. Somehow, I felt powerful. A few other people had entered the lobby. Some were dressed casually, some more formally. None matched the elegance of my dress. You can see the confidence in my smile in this picture.

Cinderella becomes the Queen of the ball

As more people came into the lobby, there were quite a few more people dressed formally. A few women complimented my dress. “You look gorgeous!” “That dress is amazing!” I knew some of the stares wouldn’t be as friendly, but I wasn’t paying attention. I kept my chin up and walked as if I were walking through my own personal ballroom. I felt like Cinderella! I told Megan I never dreamed I would be one of the most noticeably well-dressed women at the opera. “Top five,” she said.

It’s all pumpkins now

Unfortunately, my perfect day did not have a perfect ending. I was enjoying the performance–during the overture, the sound of the orchestra completely masked my tinnitus! But between a painful tooth choosing that time to flare up and the piercing resonance of two of the performers, I felt a migraine coming on. I resisted. I hadn’t had a migraine since I started hormone therapy! But before long, my head felt like it was collapsing from the left side. When the lights went up for the intermission, I told Megan I needed to find a quiet, dark room. Unfortunately, the Northern Alberta Jubilee Auditorium does not have a room of refuge. This is not a venue for anyone prone to migraines, or with an aversion to noise, crowds, or a similar condition, to push their limits. Even so, as we walked through the crowd, I held my head up and walked like the Queen of the ball.

Megan took me back to her place. By the time we were halfway there, I could barely keep my eyes open. Brake lights in front of us were painfully bright. I got into bed. With the lights off, the bedroom was the refuge I needed. Megan went to make me some food; I was extremely hungry, which I’m sure contributed to the migraine.

That’s when something strange happened. I started crying. I rolled onto my side and cried into the pillow, sobbing powerfully. I wasn’t upset, except that Megan was missing the rest of the opera (even though she told me she wasn’t really impressed with the interpretation). The migraine wasn’t painful enough to have such a strong effect. But there I was, sobbing into the pillow until I heard Megan open the bedroom door. I took a couple of deep, stabilizing breaths. In the darkness, she couldn’t see my eyes. It’s not that I’m embarrassed about crying in front of Megan; she’s one of my best friends, and I’d trust her with almost anything. But I didn’t want her to think that I was upset about anything about that day, especially when I couldn’t explain my reaction. 

In retrospect, I think it was the sum total of the alternating stress and euphoria of the day. I’ve never experienced anything like that day, and I probably never will again. All in all, it’s one of the best days I can remember. It may have ended in a hail of pumpkins, but while I was there, I was the lady in red, the Queen of the ball.

I may have been wearing red, but I am Violet. That may not mean anything to anyone who doesn’t know me, but it’s my confident affirmation that I have achieved the ultimate goal of truly being myself.

https://iamviolet.ca/2024/02/05/a-night-at-the-opera/

Dysphoria doesn’t have to be a constant, debilitating trauma. Let’s face it: Few people could manage that for very long. More commonly, dysphoria is an annoying itch at the back of your mind. Even if you experience stronger dysphoria sporadically, especially when you’re faced with an aspect of yourself that feels just wrong, you may not recognize it for what it really is.

This can be debilitating in its own way. You may feel indifferent about your life. You may not care about your very existence. Or you may simply be drifting through life, never feeling overjoyed, but never falling into the pit of depression. But, over the years, it weighs heavily on you, no matter how well you cope with it.

Earlier this morning, someone posted a very insightful toot on Mastodon. It was a lengthy post, and an important one. So many people think that dysphoria needs to be a constant state of distress, knowing who you are, but trapped in the wrong skin. It’s much more complex than that.

Read the post at the link above, then continue reading below. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

My response to that toot was even longer than the original post, (1) so I decided to repost it here. It was so long, I needed to add headings to make it more readable.

Original reply toot starts here:

Thank you so much for articulating this so clearly. I’m going to share my reactions to specific parts in case they resonate with someone else who needs to hear this.

This is a long post, so I’ll break it up with headings!

THE BEFORE TIME

Two years ago, after my marriage ended, I started rediscovering my femininity, without realizing what it meant. One year ago, I was completely burned out from stress at work, continued grief from my marital separation, and unconscious dysphoria. After getting into a stable situation, I fell into a mindset of being content with my existence, but not really caring about it. I was constantly so very tired. Then came my awakening…

WTF AM I DOING??

I had so much doubt during those first couple of months! What am I doing? Is this real, or do I just want to escape this nothingness? But I still pushed forward, doing everything possible to start my medical transition.

Even now, after three months on HRT, “Mr. Doubt” still occasionally knocks on the door.

IMAGINE…

Every time I’ve ever imagined myself with a feminine body, I’ve felt a painful longing, a deep ache for something I never thought I could have. I suppressed it for so long because I thought it was just a silly dream, and I had to face the harsh reality that I was just a man–a word I’ve always hated when I applied it to myself.

BACKING UP A BIT

The first time I started to embrace my femininity was 17 years ago. I was discovering myself, and feeling great about being accepted by my female friends. I went for three laser sessions when I realized how much I hated my facial hair (without realizing the significance). But after being ghosted by my best friend (100% my fault) and a disastrous dating period, I told myself to stop pretending and face reality. Like the prisoner running back into Plato’s cave, I buried my true self and tried to play the role I thought I had to play for 15 more years.

WHAT YOU DON’T MIND DON’T MATTER

Today I’m 100% committed and 100% overjoyed about my transition, but I’m still zeroing in on the masculine aspects I want to keep. Even that thing. I can’t wait to get rid of his two buddies (who are really useless), but I’m keeping a part of me that screams masculinity. I’m also working out to preserve my “hard curves.” I love the curve of my shoulders, even if most women would consider them overly bulky. They don’t make me feel less feminine.

JUST WINDOW DRESSING

They say “the clothes make the man.” For the most part, I wear the clothes I’ve always worn. I don’t wear makeup to work every day. Despite my highly dysphoric bald spot, I don’t wear a wig.

All of those things are just expression. I’m confident in my identity and less concerned with how other people see my gender. I don’t think of it as “boy-mode.” To me it’s a neutral presentation. In my workplace, we all wear jeans and casual shirts. On the shop floor, women wear the same coveralls as men. (They don’t fit well, but that’s another story.) My cis-feminine coworkers aren’t seen as male because of their clothing; I’m not male because of mine.

SAY MY NAME

If there’s one thing that makes me feel beautiful inside, it’s when people call me Violet. It would have been worth coming out just for that joy. My old name was just a label; my real name is who I am.

Think of what makes you light up inside, the little things that make you yearn for your authentic gender. Let your doubts rise and wash over you; the sum of all of your joy will wash them out to sea.

IN THE NOW

Mr. Doubt visits me less often now, but he’s still there, snoozing in my cerebellum. I don’t care about him. After 53 years in the cave, I feel like I’ve lived most of my life in the last five months. Several times every day, I pause and thank the universe for my transition.

I AM VIOLET

I’m trans, I’m feminine, and I feel beautiful.

(1) A post on Mastodon is called a toot, but it’s also called a post. Just don’t call it a tweet.

https://iamviolet.ca/2024/01/18/what-is-dysphoria/

meow.social - the mastodon instance for creatures fluffy, scaly and otherwiseOddtail (@oddtail@meow.social)Content warning: PSA for trans people early in transition, please boost <3